| When I was younger I mistook self indulgence for | | | | responsibility for fulfilling your own needs |
| self-love. I would give myself massages or buy | | | | You are ultimately responsible for meeting your |
| myself something that made me feel good and I | | | | needs and achieving your goals. That responsibility |
| genuinely believed I was loving myself. While it is | | | | doesn't shift onto your husband or wife if you are |
| nice to treat ourselves to luxuries, we need to | | | | married. It doesn't change just because you have |
| understand that is all they are. At another life | | | | children. All of life is about choice and sometimes |
| stage I thought self-love was being able to speak | | | | you set priorities and decide you are prepared to |
| up for myself and handle confrontation. This is a | | | | wait for what you want, but that doesn't mean |
| great skill to acquire and is a part of loving | | | | you abdicate responsibility or give up on your |
| ourselves, but we need to do more. | | | | dreams. |
| Like most people I grew up with mixed | | | | The irony is that when you take responsibility for |
| messages. My father valued himself and did a lot | | | | fulfilling your own needs, others usually support |
| for others but always knew where to draw the | | | | you as well. |
| line. Mum was also able to set boundaries with | | | | Step 4 - You love and respect yourself by setting |
| other people, but she did so much for her own | | | | standards |
| family that her own needs usually came last. I | | | | You have probably heard the expression, ‘We |
| followed her example. | | | | teach people how to treat us'. We do this by |
| I have never been a doormat, I have never been | | | | putting up with behaviour we find unacceptable. I |
| abused, my problem has been knowing where to | | | | had quite a problem with this step and I attracted |
| draw the line between caring for others and | | | | some wonderful teachers into my life who pushed |
| caring for myself. When I first started monitoring | | | | my buttons and took advantage of me, just so I |
| my moods, I was shocked to discover how often | | | | could learn this valuable lesson. |
| I slipped into resentment over simple things. I | | | | Whenever anyone asks me to do something I |
| honestly didn't realise how many times I held back | | | | say, Let me think about it. This gives me time to |
| saying what I really thought, I was so used to | | | | reflect on whether I really want to do it and this |
| accommodating others. | | | | one simple habit has made my life so much easier. |
| One day when I was working with my gardener, | | | | You may decide that you would like to be treated |
| I asked him to plant some seedlings for me. He | | | | with respect. This also means that you need to |
| agreed and continued with what he was doing, | | | | treat others with respect. Ask yourself what |
| obviously expecting to get to it later. Ten minutes | | | | does being treated with respect mean to you. |
| later he said that he would take the rubbish to | | | | You need to know this if you are going to |
| the tip and that's when I recognised resentment | | | | enforce it. Then you need to look at the people in |
| building within me. My internal dialogue went | | | | your life. Will they be willing to change the way |
| something like this, ‘Great, now I have to | | | | they treat you? If not, what are you prepared to |
| wait for him to come back from the tip and | | | | do about it? This could mean reassessing people |
| that's going to take more time. Meanwhile I can't | | | | you spend your time with as well as reassessing |
| finish up until I show him where I want the plants | | | | where you work. |
| to go and I can't do what I really want to do'. I | | | | Step 5 - You love and respect yourself by |
| immediately stopped those thoughts and asked | | | | enforcing your standards |
| Dave if he could put the plants in before he went | | | | If you are not accustomed to saying what you |
| to the tip, which he was quite happy to do. | | | | want then you have probably breathed a sigh of |
| This simple incident made me realise how | | | | relief when you have said what you think, only to |
| unnecessary it was for me to feel that way, and | | | | find the other person has completely ignored you. |
| how I was actually making life harder for myself. | | | | So you need to be prepared. What are you |
| As I continued monitoring my moods and my | | | | prepared to do if someone ignores the standards |
| internal dialogue, I was surprised to discover how | | | | you set? |
| many times I felt this way over simple, | | | | Step 6 - You love and respect yourself by |
| insignificant things. If my girls left a mess in the | | | | spending time with people who make you happy |
| living area I would find myself thinking, Typical | | | | Life becomes a whole lot easier when you |
| leave everything for me to do. Any time I found | | | | understand human nature and accept people for |
| myself thinking this way, I would immediately | | | | who they are. I choose to spend the majority of |
| change the thoughts and say what I was really | | | | the time with people who make me feel good. If |
| thinking. Then I looked for ways to make my life | | | | I continually feel the need to complain about or |
| easier. In the living area of our home I have two | | | | criticize someone in any way after spending time |
| baskets on a shelf and anything left in that room | | | | with them, then I know this is not a relationship |
| that doesn't belong gets thrown into a basket. It | | | | that serves them or me. |
| works so well. | | | | Step 7 - You love and respect yourself by |
| To help myself with this I created steps within | | | | trusting yourself |
| steps, so that I could love and respect myself in | | | | You need to be able to trust yourself, before you |
| a way that matches my values. | | | | can trust someone else. |
| Step 1 - You love and respect yourself by being | | | | Trust is the foundation of all good relationships but |
| honest with yourself | | | | that does not mean that you trust people who |
| When you lie to yourself you expend so much | | | | are untrustworthy. You need to be discerning and |
| energy pushing emotions down, trying to please | | | | you do that by taking your time. You become |
| others, even blaming others, that there's not | | | | trust neutral until you know someone well enough |
| enough energy left over to create the reality you | | | | to be sure you can trust them. I used to jump |
| really desire. | | | | into relationships and assume that if someone had |
| You start being honest by making the decision to | | | | the same interests as me they must have the |
| be. Then you follow through by asking yourself | | | | same values and many times, this wasn't always |
| what you are really feeling every time you | | | | the case. Now I just take my time getting to |
| experience low energy emotions. The answer | | | | know someone before I place my trust in them. |
| may not come to you immediately but if you | | | | The good news is that as you learn to love, |
| keep asking, awareness will eventually dawn. | | | | respect and trust yourself you attract to you |
| You need to deal with these emotions and you do | | | | people who are trustworthy, and that's because |
| this by allowing yourself to feel your feelings. | | | | people come into your life to help you learn. When |
| Step 2 - You love and respect yourself by saying | | | | you learn the lesson you attract a different type |
| what you really think | | | | of person. |
| When you have become accustomed to going | | | | You don't have to be perfect to have what you |
| along with other people's wishes then you need to | | | | want. It is more important to accept yourself as |
| make a conscious effort to say what you really | | | | you are, and that means flaws and all. Sometimes |
| think. This might mean refusing someone's | | | | we have issues that take longer than we prefer |
| request, or asking someone to do something for | | | | to master and that's okay. It is better to love and |
| you and it is not always easy to do when you | | | | accept yourself exactly as you are right now than |
| have not had much practice. | | | | to place conditions on self-love. |
| There may be times when you don't need to say | | | | Life is merely a process of forgetting and |
| anything; you just need to act differently. I now | | | | remembering, over and over again until you learn |
| measure all of my choices by how I feel. | | | | the lesson. |
| Step 3 - You love and respect yourself by taking | | | | |