| I am not sure which would impact me the most, | | | | solve a problem. |
| first hearing that my child was a child bully, or | | | | Action Step #7: Goals and Feedback |
| hearing that my child was a bully victim! Both | | | | Don't think that you can change the bullying |
| situations are ones that most parents dread | | | | behaviors of your child over night or in a week. |
| having to ever hear about their child. | | | | Such behaviors are learned over extended periods |
| Similar, yet different. Involving the same social | | | | of time, depending upon the age of the child, and |
| problem, yet impacting the child in different ways. | | | | will take perhaps months or years to completely |
| To put things another way, the child has assumed | | | | disappear. |
| the role in their social ranking as either the prey | | | | For now, set some short term goals that the child |
| or the predator. | | | | can realistically meet. Depending on the situation, |
| As a parent, it is our responsibility to take action | | | | perhaps a day or a week at a time without any |
| should we find out that our child has been | | | | reports of bullying behavior. Don't forget to praise |
| accused of tormenting and intimidating other | | | | your child not only for meeting the goals, but also |
| children. Ideally it would be helpful if we could have | | | | for making an effort when things don't go well. |
| some insight into the fact that there may be a | | | | Action Step #8: Communication |
| behavior problem, before we have to find out | | | | As you embark on a course of action to support |
| from someone else, such as the dreaded phone | | | | your child in dealing with their inappropriate |
| call from the school, police, or hearing it through | | | | behavior problem, remember to let others know |
| the neighbourhood "grapevine". What we need are | | | | what you are doing such as the child's school and |
| some helpful child bully guidelines to help identify | | | | teacher, neighbours, and even other people that |
| this potential behavior problem. | | | | your child may have contact with such as a |
| How you react to this unpleasant news that your | | | | sports coach. You cannot be with your child 24 |
| child is a bully will set the tone for all future | | | | hours per day, 7 days a week, so these people |
| dealings between you and your child over this | | | | can act as your eyes and ears in the community. |
| problem. Outrage and threats will in most | | | | Keeping watch on your child and offering their |
| situations only make things worse and sever the | | | | support should the child be tempted to engage in |
| much needed lines of open and honest | | | | bullying behavior when you are not around. |
| communication between you and your child. | | | | Action Step #9: Look in the Mirror |
| Instead, take a deep breath, clear your mind and | | | | Many of us forget that we are behavior models |
| carefully plan your next move. Use your mind, | | | | for our children from a very young age. Do we |
| rather than your heart, to move forward. | | | | exhibit any types of inappropriate behavior in |
| Consider the following "action steps" if you are | | | | front of our children that may have contributed |
| unsure of what to do if your child is bullying | | | | to their development into a child bully? If we use |
| others. | | | | verbal abuse and/or physical violence in our home |
| Action Steps For Parents | | | | to solve problems, what messages are we |
| Action Step #1: Remain Calm | | | | sending to our child. |
| Upon learning that your child is bullying, remain | | | | "Do as I say, not as I do" is a poor message for |
| calm and focus on getting as many facts, not | | | | any child. As parents we need to be consistently |
| opinions, as possible about the incident before | | | | role modeling the types of good behavior we |
| discussing it with your child. If school related, then | | | | want to see in our children, especially for the child |
| talk to the teacher or other school staff involved | | | | bully. |
| to find out what exactly happened. | | | | Finally, I would encourage you to keep things in |
| Action Step #2: Set Expectations | | | | perspective regarding child bullying. Research as |
| Discuss in very clear terms the kind of behavior | | | | well as common sense supports the fact that |
| you expect to see from your child and that | | | | most children, at some time in their life, do bully |
| bullying of any kind, verbal or physical, is | | | | other children occasionally due to stress. Reasons |
| inappropriate and unacceptable. | | | | may include: |
| Action Step #3: Ask Why | | | | - Sibling rivalry (we have this lots at my house!):) |
| Provide your child with the opportunity to explain | | | | - Stress from school work. |
| why they felt the need to bully another child. This | | | | - Upset about problems in the home. |
| can easily lead into a discussion of other | | | | - Death of a family member. |
| non-aggressive ways that your child could have | | | | - Break up of the family unit. |
| dealt with the situation, or more appropriate ways | | | | - Relationship problems outside the family. |
| of expressing their feelings. | | | | - Simple boredom (yep, see this one at my house |
| Action Step #4: Change Places | | | | too!) |
| It is important for the child bully to learn to show | | | | - Frustrated over an on-going problem in their life. |
| empathy towards their victim. Discuss how the | | | | - Just having a "bad" day and need to vent on |
| targeted child must have felt when being attacked | | | | someone. |
| and how they would have felt being the victim. | | | | Bullying due to these kinds of incidents, is still |
| Impress on your child that no one deserves to be | | | | wrong, and needs to be addressed by the parent. |
| bullied, no matter what the circumstances. | | | | The good news is that with some discussion |
| Action Step #5: Mending Fences | | | | about the inappropriate behavior and reasonable |
| Clearly a wrong has been committed against | | | | consequences, the child will usually see the error |
| another child. Talk about ways that your child | | | | of their ways and be willing to made amends to |
| could make amends for what they did. Encourage | | | | the offended party. This type of child is not the |
| a face to face verbal apology along with an | | | | one that we need to worry about as parents. |
| assurance to the victim that this will not happen | | | | Unfortunately, there are children out there, who |
| again. | | | | for many different reasons seem to be involved |
| Some parents mistakenly believe that buying a | | | | in repeated incidents of bullying, both in the home |
| "gift" for the victim on behalf of their child will | | | | and outside, at school, the playground, etc. These |
| solve the problem. Big mistake, as the child bully is | | | | children may exhibit some of the following |
| showing no personal responsibility for their | | | | characteristics: |
| inappropriate behavior as they see mom or dad | | | | |
| buying them out of trouble. | | | | 1. Exhibit aggressive behavior most of the time. |
| Action Step #6: Rules and Consequences | | | | 2. Display a lack of self-control. |
| Part of your action plan must include very clear | | | | 3. Enjoy any situation involving violence. |
| rules and consequences should the bullying | | | | 4. Have a low opinion of themselves. |
| behavior continue. Rules may include after school | | | | 5. Like to "stir things up". |
| and weekend curfews, where and who the child is | | | | 6. Refuse to take ownership of their inappropriate |
| allowed to hang out with, and any other actions | | | | behavior. |
| that will allow you to monitor their behavior. | | | | 7. Unlikely to feel sorry for the victim. |
| Consequences must be reasonable and meaningful | | | | 8. May be victims of bullying themselves. |
| to the child. For example a consequence of no TV | | | | 9. Find it difficult to socialize normally with other |
| for a week if caught bullying, means little to a child | | | | children. |
| that has access to online chat, games, X-Box, or | | | | These are the children who are most "at risk" and |
| Playstation during their "grounded time". | | | | need the support of the parents and society in |
| Avoid at all times any consequences that involve | | | | general to help them deal with their over |
| physical force such as spankings, as these may | | | | aggressive behavior towards other children now, |
| actually reinforce the aggressive behavior, that | | | | and perhaps other adults later in life. |
| the use of physical force is an acceptable way to | | | | |